Autumn is one of my favorite seasons, the other is Spring. It seems funny for a girl who likes to be at the beginning or the end and not the middle to be so in love with transition seasons. When the weather starts to change I feel my fall rhythm coming back. One of the notes in my chorus is a Beth Moore Bible study. Every year for…oh, four? I think…I gather with wonderful women and we begin a journey through one of Beth’s studies. We’ve become BFF’s with Esther, we’ve walked long roads with Paul, we’ve held hands with Jesus…and this year we are living along side David.
Some studies capture me more than others, some lessons root deeper…and I feel like David is to be one such study. Only two weeks into our book and I’m thinking over the days again and again. I wanted to write down some moments that really just got me, maybe they’ll get you too.
One of the things Beth said was that “God has you where you are because you’ve got what it takes to be there.”
I’ve got what it takes to be here.
I’ve rolled that around in my head over and over. I’m already equipped for the journey because he created me that way. Not equipped to go it alone, but equipped just the same. I am equipped to be who I am where I am. Already created and prepared to be D’s wife, my parents daughter, a friend, a woman struggling with infertility. I am equipped for this journey; for the hopeful days, for the devastating ones too, for the dreams and tears and waiting. I’m equipped to handle not having answers, to open my heart to new possibilities, to handle the hurt as it comes and still place my hope in my God. He created me to be dependent on him, He created me to be whole with him. He created me to trust that this road, as hard as it is sometimes, is leading somewhere good.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
I re-learn everyday that God plants seeds in our heart for a reason, and that I cant figure out that reason. I just have to trust the seed, trust him. He created my heart to want children, he created it for nurturing and for longing.
13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
I don’t always remember these things. I know them. I trust them. I just have that lovely human flaw of having to be reminded over and over and over again. We are on his timeline after all. (What’s six years to God? A blink, a breath?) While remembering that all this is leading somewhere good is easy for six days, maintaining that trust and determination over six years has had plenty of difficulties. I’ve cried my eyes out to God, I’ve absolutely said to him “I don’t believe you.” more than once. I’ve called him a liar. I’ve believed I did something to deserve this. I’ve believed God was punishing me. I’ve believed I could bargain with him over it. I’ve begged, reasoned, promised…I’ve felt like a failure.
What I’ve come to realize is that I don’t sustain heavy hurting feelings for long periods of time. I cry out – to him and to friends- I purge all those hurts and then…I feel better. My hope shines again. I go on believing He is going to work this whole mess out. I can’t talk myself out of hope. I can’t turn my back on it, on him. He created this body of mine, this aching womb, he created this heart in my chest; he knows its limitations, he knows its depths. He knows my heart hurts, he knows how much it can take, even when I don’t, even when I think it’s had all it can handle.
So, I’m reminding myself (and you) again (and again) that our God has this story written. He has those pages laid out before him. He’s a story teller taking his time. Every twist and turn, every up and down, it makes our story more vivid, more interesting. He’s got a big finish coming, but he’s got lots more to tell before we get there. He foreshadows and gives us hints just to see our eyes sparkle with anticipation. He holds us close during the scary parts and tells us it gets better, just wait. His story is just our size, he tells it to us in his perfect way; not a children’s book, nor advanced reading, no this one is just right for us. We’re ready to hear each part as he gets to it, and he prepared us for the next part as we go along. We are equipped for our story, we just have to learn to trust him on that.
Linking up a little late (better late than never, eh! :)) to Wellness Wednesday! Join us!