The thing about infertility and waiting to find out if you’re pregnant is that it absolutely consumes you. Even when you are outwardly just living your life your brain is stuck in a loop of hope and worry.
I’m having lunch with a friend.
Do I feel any different?
I’m buying groceries.
It’s really too soon to feel any different.
I’m laughing at his jokes.
Is that a baby cramp or is my period coming?
I’m cleaning the kitchen.
Oh, God, don’t let it be my period.
Of course I’ve felt this waiting before many many times. In the early years of our journey more acutely, and then we kind of buried the emotions for a while. Living with your emotions swinging on a pendulum can start to wear you down. This time, all these emotions feel heavier. And, sometimes they’ve got a touch of desperation.
Waiting is a tangle of a hundred different emotions and trying to sort and calm them all one by one. It’s holding onto not knowing as hope when the feelings of despair want to first creep in and then wash over you. Some days you have to talk yourself down from the clouds so as not to set yourself up for utter defeat. Other days you have to drag your heart from your feet and whisper a mantra to keep it from pulling you into a pit.
The whole while you feel a little ridiculous. I mean hundreds of people get pregnant by accident everyday. By accident. How is it getting pregnant for my body is like playing blindfolded darts with the target a mile off?
I do believe everything happens for a reason. I do believe God has a plan. But anyone who’s ever waited for something life-altering knows that the wait can feel endless. When your whole being is caught up in the waves of emotion that come with waiting you just have to trust and ride it out.
And so we are.