one step forward, two steps back


Ah, hello there, it’s been awhile.

If we are friends on Facebook you’ll already know why it has taken me a long time to come back and write here. At the end of May, right on the heels of telling everyone I was pregnant, I had a miscarriage. It was early, it wasn’t very hard physically to go through, but the emotional toll was difficult to talk about. I felt like I’d let everyone down, I felt embarrassed to have spoken too soon. The feelings of brokenness were bigger, there was grief to work through. Mostly I just needed some time.

I’ve had issues in the past with people not understanding the way I process grief. It has left me feeling like I grieve wrong somehow or that people judge my process. The truth is there is no wrong way to work through painful emotions. As long as you aren’t hurting yourself or someone else -you do you. So, I happen to be a person who processes grief in a solitary way. I curl up in my bed for a few days and cry my eyes out. Don’t hug me, it makes me feel worse. I bury my conscious thought in stories, usually books books and more books, while my inner self processes the pain. I give myself a little distance, plenty of time, and I say no to many people while I do. I don’t like overt sympathy, I don’t want to cry on your shoulder. I want to slowly, privately, work it through with myself and God.

That’s another thing I should put out there…God. Boy is it hard to be faithful when you feel betrayed. Bitter is probably the best word to describe my relationship with God right now. That’s a painful truth as well. When the last IUI ended the way it did I was angry. And, when we eventually made the decision to move ahead with IVF I was (am still sometimes) angry. Why does this have to be so damn hard? I don’t want to do any of these things. I don’t want to be this friendly with my doctor’s office, as wonderful as they are, it’s not good times going on there. I don’t want my body chemistry played with. I don’t want my babies created in a lab. I don’t want to have a million ultrasounds, blood draws, and needle sticks. I’d be fine not knowing what my internal organs look like. So, yeah, bitter. I’m working on it.

Alright, let’s talk recent news since we’ve established IUI didn’t work for us. Last month I did something I haven’t done in more than eight years. I held a baby. I’ve routinely said no and thank you when offered up someone else’s little bundle of joy. That situation is awkward and awful and hard to explain to a happy parent when they don’t know your history. But, last month I snuggled up to a handsome little guy and asked myself a very telling question. If you could take him home would it make this better?

I surprised myself more than a little bit when my heart answered back a resounding no. Because we’d considered adoption a lot before, I sort of talked myself into believing any means to an end would do. The truth is that while there’s many ways to obtain children there’s not many ways to experience pregnancy. And, pregnancy, I learned holding a baby last month, is what my heart wants. Not any means to an end, this one.

That epiphany led us to say yes when Dr B asked us if we wanted to move on to IVF. Which is what we are in the middle of sorting out now. The month before you start IVF drugs you go on birth control. This puts your ovaries into a bit of a dormancy so that the drugs can manipulate them easier the next month. During the birth control month there’s a lot of other tests to go through for both partners. When you’re about to throw big money at something you check and re-check to make sure all systems are go.

Anyway, today I had some of those tests, one of which is called a hysteroscopy. A hysteroscopy is where the Dr looks inside the uterus with a camera to make sure it would be an ideal home for an embryo to attach. The inside of a healthy uterus is shiny and pink like the inside of your cheek. Mine is not. Mine is bumpy with polyps. That finding alone has halted IVF for at least a couple months. I need to have a D&C; a surgical procedure where the uterine lining is removed. We are fortunate Dr B squeezed us in to the surgery center to have this done tomorrow. He’s going out of town for a couple weeks beginning next week and that would have delayed treatment another month. Even with all the awful that comes with infertility treatment we’ve been really lucky to have Dr B and his staff in our corner.

Ok. Hopefully this lengthy monologue has got you all caught up. If not, feel free to ask questions and I’ll answer what I can in the next post. No worries, friends, you’re still along for the journey, I just take a little time to get out the hard stuff sometimes. I’m trying to be open even about that hard stuff, some days it’s easier than others, but in the end I think it’s a good thing. Every life is a story, not every story is a fairy tale.


About Stephanie

I'm a thirty-something wife, a Mama who loves family, dogs & bunnies. A daughter who loves to cook & bake. A sister who loves to sew & knit. A friend who loves to gab & laugh. I'm a christian & a maker of things. I'm a curator of memories, a photographer of life, a writer of stories. I'm a girl who is learning to love the richness of life in all it's fullness. A girl choosing to seek gratitude for my ordinary everyday. A girl learning about choosing to live in joy. Connect with me on Twitter/Instagram/Flickr @BextraordinaryU

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