It’s a hard thing when you feel like God leads you one way then drops walls in your path. It makes you question Him and yourself and every big decision you make.
Did it feel right because I wanted it to or because He says it’s right?Am I supposed to prove how much I want this and climbs those walls? If I do this…or that…or try something else will it make this happen or make the path anymore clear?
Sadly, I don’t have any big answers to these big questions. I also am pretty sure that last week during my David Bible study I got told to wait. Wait, and trust His faithfulness, big time.
My emotions have been rolling and unsettled since!
I’m happy and thankful He’s asking me to wait because He is going to move.
I’m frustrated I thought we were running towards adoption and He tossed a wall in that path.
I’m angry I can’t find a place to really rest with this whole thing; constantly questioning Him, and myself, and every decision.
I’m desperate trying to find His will in all of this and stay in it. I feel a bit like a cat chasing a laser beam all the time.
My heart hurts feeling like being told to wait is punishment and waiting can go on forever.
This is hard stuff; being a God-follower. If anyone ever tells you otherwise they are lying. It’s hard, and the bigger the problem the harder it feels.
Where are we now?
That’s the big question.
Last time I talked about our chosen path to babies we were all-in slowly but surely headed towards embryo adoption. We had defined goals and our first step was raising money.
And then a few bricks fell in the road.
I landed in the ER in the middle of the night having an extremely painful gallbladder attack. We dealt with that pretty well, I got meds, I rested, I expected it to go away and I’d learn to eat better and manage this issue.
Then, the rest of the week happened and more bricks fell. I didn’t really get better, I was in constant pain, low-level pain after many days, but still in pain. So, we made the decision to do some research and see a surgeon.
That wall in the raising money path to adoption was built and a new path to paying medical bills was paved. Surgery even with our insurance isn’t coming cheap.
The good news is I feel lots better; better in ways I didn’t know I felt bad. This surgery came with benefits for me, so that’s good. I’m hopeful that it’s God.
What happened last week?
I was two weeks behind in my home work, and this homework can be intense. (If you’ve ever done a Beth Moore Bible study you know what I’m talking about.) Beth likes to ask hard life application questions. In the middle of some of these questions I’m essentially writing to God in the margins.
I read a little and I write to Him…and I’m asking Him about our children. Hard stuff; admitting I feel lost and unsure and like this struggle has just gone on too long. I tell Him I have all these questions and don’t know what to do. I ask Him for a place to rest.
As I read the next paragraph in my study He answers me.
The covenant rested on God’s faithfulness, not man’s.
Whoa. I wrote. Hello, God, I’m listening.
He asked me to trust in His faithfulness not my own. It’s not about what we do or don’t do to have a baby. It’s not about how hard we try to scramble onto the right path our look for answers in every worldly avenue. It’s about believing God when he tells me I’ll be a mom one day. Even when seven years of barrenness is staring me in the face telling me not to believe, not to keep the faith, not to hope in spite of it all that He will work it out. Even though I can’t see it, even though it feels crazy, He put this desire so strong within me for a reason.
He gave me David’s prayer in 2 Samuel 7:27-29. A piece of that is this:
Your words are trustworthy, and you have promised these good things to your servant.
And here I am. Reminding myself of that everyday. Because the truth is even when He gives me an answer, even an answer so strong I cried over my books, it’s hard to hang on and wait. Waiting feels like a horrible kind of passivity. It’s inactivity when all I want to do is work to make it happen already! It’s trusting the unseen and unknown. It’s so dang hard.
Waiting for us right now means a day at a time. Focusing on paying the bills on the table infront of us. Focusing on all the life we’ve got going on; months of good days written in the calendar. A wedding, a house guest, home improvement, a rodeo, a hockey game, a weekend away…we have a full life to lead while we are waiting for God to move.
Don’t get me wrong, there will be many many days I’m back on my knees asking these same questions, wanting new answers, itching to push forward against the wall anyway. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows after you get a tiny bit of revelation. It’s hard trust and faith work. It’s work I’m not always good at. Luckily, He is, and that is what really matters.