::: Right Now:::

Right now it’s 2:27a.m.

Right now I’ve been up for an hour and can’t seem to stop thinking about the tiniest of moments.

Right now I’m listening to the hotel air conditioner run and missing my own sheets, blanket, and bed.

Right now I’m worried about correcting a wrong assumption.

Right now I’m worried about saying good bye.

Right now I’m rolling a new tattoo design around in my head for when I get home.

Right now I’m so grateful for how this week has gone.

Right now I’m so sad about how this week has gone.

Right now I’m wishing the morning takes forever to get here.

Right now I’m finally yawning again.

Willingness in Fear

I didn’t know when I wrote my last post that my words would be put to the test with such immediacy. I said I was prepared to face what came and trust God would carry me through it. And today I’m packing for a journey that scares me beyond measure and I can feel the unwillingness clawing at my insides.

My father’s health has been declining rapidly. The treatments that were a possibility only a few weeks ago have dwindled. He’s in the hospital, he’s weak, he has no appetite, his body is building up toxins his liver is too damaged to filter. We are still hopeful that the doctors will find a protocol that will work, that a new medication will see him stronger, that more time is possible.

But I am scared.
Deep in my heart scared.
I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to face mortality so blatantly. I’m afraid to see my strong vital father sick. I’m afraid that when I head home from this trip I am truly saying goodbye. I am afraid of too much overwhelming emotion. I’m afraid of crying and never stopping. I’m afraid of my heat hurting so much I can’t breathe. I’m afraid of the sympathy others want to express, the strangers with sad eyes. I’m afraid of 1000 things I can’t escape.

Sooner or later we all have to do this, we all have to walk this road, face mortality head on. Weather it’s in ourselves or someone we love it’s still coming. And I have an avoidant spirit.

My whole being wants to run in the opposite direction of pain, it wants to shut down, close up, and hide till the painful stuff is gone. I am an unwilling girl when it comes to facing my fears.

But, I know some simple truths.
I know that this is something I must do. I know if I gave my into avoidant spirit I’d regret it the rest of my life. I know that I can cry and feel broken and wounded beyond repair and still survive it. Feeling my emotions, good, bad, or indifferent, will not break me. I can lean into comfort. I am not alone. I am afraid, but fear does not mean I can’t do this. I can. I can do this. Hurting, scared, unwilling spirit and all – I can do this.

HE told me I could. He promised to be there every step, walking with me.
I’m hanging on to that.
Every step forward is a prayer; though I walk through the valley, you are with me.

Little did I know that a retreat about facing fear while chasing your dreams would be preparing me for facing the greatest fear of my life. Jumping Tandem was more than about God-sized dreams. It was about having a God-linked tandem life.

*For more on my experience at Jumping Tandem – the retreat check back and click the Jumping Tandem category below.

I am here

Here. On the other end of my interweb tether, coming back after not feeling compelled to write for quite sometime. It’s not that I didn’t have anything to say, but that life was making the things I had to say too hard, or sad, or seem very small and unimportant. And so I went away and found a puzzle piece to pick up and came back to tell you about it.I went on a Christian women’s retreat called Jumping Tandem. A retreat I had been super excited for when I signed up with a friend months ago. A retreat that I was anticipating reading books and blogs and studying up for. I wanted to be prepared, I wanted to be ready to soak up and take in and change. Then life changed my focus.

I found out my father has liver cancer. I found out the life I was imagining as an infinite timeline had a definitive end looming. I found out that it is not an easy task to prepare for something so heart breaking. I found out that one diagnosis can so shift your focus that everything else you are doing and feeling is a blur.  So, I didn’t study up, I barely looked at the material Jumping Tandem offered to prepare myself for what was coming. I just went and trusted that I could figure it out once I got there. Preparation for one more thing seemed like too much.

I got in the car Friday morning and began the drive East to Ashland, Nebraska. It was only then, with the immediacy of Jumping Tandem upon me, that I switched my focus to where I was going and what I was doing. It was only then that I was in the moment, that I am here became true.

My friend and I talked about 1000 things through Colorado and Nebraska. (including my dad) We planned for the future; the next few hours, the next few days, and the next years to come. In our task of getting to Jumping Tandem – the place we would explore our God-sized dreams - we began to sort them out and focus on the big ‘what will come’ for each of us. I went into my weekend thinking I hadn’t come prepared enough to get anything out of it, and in the course of just showing up God made sure I brought something home.

I found myself in a not unexpected place this weekend. I am by nature an introvert, I am painfully shy, I hate speaking in public or in groups (even small ones), I find it incredibly difficult to meet new people and develop even a simple conversation with them. I tell my friends (who have all done the work of getting to know me) that my brain is missing the ‘small talk’ area. Normally in conversation there is a give and take and people who are asked a question answer and then respond with a question. I, however, answer and then miss the ‘ask a question’ cue. I remember it hours later when I realize I could’ve made a 2 minute conversation into a 10 minute conversation simply by repeating their questions to me. I occasionally have the ‘ask a question cue’ close enough to my awareness to make it happen, but it is a struggle and most often I am the dead-air girl. I am stunted, it’s a thing.

So, on a retreat where I could have made lots of new friends, I went with a comfortable friend who I had tons of awesome conversations with and had several 2 minute conversations with strangers.  That’s totally normal for me and was completely expected. But, fear not, the retreat was not a loss on this girl, because even though I don’t connect with new people well I am an excellent student!

I took a bazillion notes. I worked through stuff in my own introvert way, and I came home with my God clearly in my heart saying things like:

“Hello! You circle around this same idea for a reason! Your dream is where your passion meets my need.”

and

“I told you other people feel that way too.”

In my sessions, with speakers the non-studied-up me was clueless about, I heard my own voice from those daringly brave women who spoke and spoke up. In voices saying they were scared, they were unsure, they were lost and confused. These women who just wanted to know what God had planned, just wanted to be willing, wanted to be used by Him, to love on others, to encourage and support, to ask questions, to say the hard stuff, to dig in, open up…they all had pieces of me. It was amazing.

I came home knowing I don’t have to have all the answers -and that there would be plenty of times that fact alone will make me crazy. I came home knowing I don’t need the big picture but just the willingness to pick up my puzzle piece and take the first step with God. I came home knowing that allowing yourself to feel the hard emotions is OK – and that I will struggle with letting it be OK every time I need to cry and say I’m scared or I need help. I came home knowing bravery looks different on everyone -and that everyone is brave just by opening their mouths and sharing their dreams with another person. I came home thankful to have gone, for being in the moment, and to have deepened the friendship I carried with me through it. I came home still afraid (because fear never really goes away) but trusting that I will be OK through whatever is to come. I came home looking up.

I am here.

*For more posts about my experience at Jumping Tandem check back and click the Jumping Tandem category below .

On my plate: Beets!

So, I was in Whole Foods the other day and I came across a bunch of beets; I thought ‘Gosh, I just have to have those!’ Today, I finally got to have them. For lunch!

Mm. mm. Good!

Roasted beets with sauteed beet green salad.
Glorious.

To roast my Beets I first gave them a good trim and scrub to get them squeaky clean. I didn’t bother to peel them because after they’re roasted the skin just scrapes off super easy with the back of a knife.

I lined a baking dish with foil; I’m lazy and like easy clean up. Then, I drizzled a scant amount of olive oil on my beets and sprinkled them with salt and pepper. I folded over the foil, put the lid on my dish and into the oven they went. I didn’t even bother with preheating since this was my lunch getting made at nine in the morning. I cranked the oven up to 350° and set the timer for an hour and a half.

Your beets are done when a knife will slide in easily. The roasting process gives them a sweet, earthy flavor. I love it. I hope you will too!

For my sauteed beet green salad I washed the tops/greens I cut off my beets and pulled the leaves off the stems. I de-stem the same way I do for collars or kale because the stems are tough. Then, I tore the greens into smaller pieces.

To a saute pan sprayed with a little Pam I added:
a handful of my beet greens
a handful of kale I prepped the same way. (You can easily use all of one or the other but I had kale that needed to get eaten.)
1/3 of a large portobello mushroom, chopped
1/2 a medium zucchini, chopped
1-2 minced garlic cloves

I let that saute until the greens began to wilt, covering the pan with a lid for a few minutes helps that process. Then, I added a splash of Worcestershire sauce, a splash of Bragg’s liquid animos (you could use soy sauce if you prefer), and a bit of chopped red pepper.

I let all that saute until my zucchini got a little color but the peppers were still crunchy. I moved that off the heat and got my beet ready to add on top.

Holding my still hot beet with tongs I scraped the skin off and chopped it into chunks. Oh, it smelled so delicious!

Finally, I piled my plate with my sauteed salad and surrounded it with beets. Not too long later the plate is empty and I am one happy herbivore.

I saved my extra roasted beets, beet greens and veggies for another meal. I’m just cooking for myself here, but you could easily make this for a crowd.

Do you love beets as much as I do? If not this just might change you’re mind. If you’ve only ever had them pickled, you’re in for a tasty treat!

The beet is on!

On my plate: Pizza! (V, GF)

Vegetarian, gluten-free, easily made vegan, awesome veggie packed pizza!

It is so good.

I saw somewhere that someone (don’t you just love my vague memory?) had used a portobello mushroom cap as pizza crust. I thought that sounded brilliant! So I did, too.

First, I scraped out the gills of my mushroom because I wanted to fill the space with extra veggies. Then I broiled my ‘crust’, first on one side, then the other, to get it a little softened.

While the mushroom was in the oven I sauteed a little onion, bell pepper, zucchini, and chopped kale together. When they were sufficiently wilted I added a quarter cup of my favorite marinara sauce. I piled this saucy, veggie awesomeness into my mushroom, added some cheese, and put it back under the broiler.

Two minutes later I had this…

Lunch is served.
Quick and easy.
Perfect for my low cal. diet with only 180 calories.
Did I mention it was so good?!
What happy munchies are on your plate recently?

Eat Realization

I’d like to say Revolution but it’s too early in the process for that. So, Realization it is.

My friend Chris told me about this app she’s using to help track calories and eat better. It called My Fitness Pal, and I decided to try it out. I’ve been using it two weeks and have lost five pounds. I’m pretty excited about that.

Is reaching my goal weight possible? I actually think so. That might be the biggest deal of all. What would it be like to fit into a size I haven’t worn since high school? Heck, I thought I was fat then, getting back there and feeling good will be some kind of awesome.

Its been quite the realization to log my food everyday. To realize what I had been eating was extremely eye opening. To make choices within my calorie parameters has been hard only a few times. In general I like good-for-you food and so eating it isn’t hard. The hard thing is that I like bad-for-you food too. Saying no when it’s in front of me is my biggest challenge. Willpower is not my strongest asset.

Keeping the log in my hand, by way of my phone, is helping me make better choices. I’ve even sat down to eat something I thought would be good and wasn’t then said ‘forget this’ and dropped it in the trash. When you’re looking to make every calorie count you quickly decide eating something you don’t even like is a waste. I don’t waste my calories on things that don’t make me happy. That’s an awesome way to eat.

It might sound crazy but it’s new to me to stop and think about my food so much. It starts with ‘How many calories is it?’ But quickly moves on to ‘Is it worth that many calories? Will I enjoy it? Am I excited to eat it?’

It has also been fun to see what restaurants are really great to go to when watching your calories (hello Applebees) and which ones are to be avoided (hello Red Lobster). Actually, Applebees inspired one of my favorite lunches. It’s a mass of vegetables in a red wine reduction sauce. The restaurant makes a chicken and vegetable meal that’s similar and tastes amazing but I’m super excited about veggies so I nixed the chicken and unloaded the fridge. Here’s a picture of the restaurant version…

And one of my tweaked veggie lunch…

That’s a dozen vegetables, salt and pepper, Worcestershire sauce, and red wine. Delicious. In fact, my only complaint about Applebees is that there’s not really vegetarian options on the under 550 menu. I’ve eaten meat the two times I’ve gone in the past two weeks. I actually ordered a steak for the first time in my life. I mean, I’ve eaten steak before but I’ve never ordered it in a restaurant. Mostly because there’s about a million others things I’d rather order off a menu.

However, at Applebees I did order a steak -so that I could get to a spinach stuffed mushroom side dish. I know that makes little to no sense. But, I’m really shy about asking for changes in a restaurant when it seems like it’d be annoying to the wait staff. I did take a picture of that meal -to remember that first and probably last steak order of my life. And, more importantly, to remember those delicious side dishes.

The steak was ok. The mushroom was awesome! I’ll be making that for lunches too. I’m a big fan of spinach and mushrooms. It didn’t even need the cheese. I’ll probably leave it out and toss in extra veggies when I wilt the spinach, onion and bell pepper sounds like it would be great minced and thrown in. A little garlic maybe, a splash of Bragg’s, I’ll be good to go.

Ok, now I’m just making myself hungry! I also discovered a yummy low-cal soup in my Eating Well magazine this week —Quinoa and peanut. You can google it, it’s on their website. Of course since I’m the queen of never following a recipe I added a little mushroom and sliced sugar snap peas to mine. It was mighty tasty.

Well, that’s my latest getting healthy update. I’ve still been on the roller coaster, hopefully this time that I’ve gotten off I can make a permanent change. It’s a good thing to be learning to be more aware of what goes in my mouth and how much of it there is. It’s also a good feeling to finish my food log and have My Fitness Pal tell me if every day were like today I could weigh ten pounds lighter in five weeks. Watching that number drop is a good thing. One good choice at a time.

Added Blessing

Last night we moved the dining room table to its new position in the old family room. I laid down a blanket we bought in Mexico on our honeymoon. I lit candles, I made a simple dinner, and we sat down at that table together. We prayed, we talked, it was the first time we’ve done this just him + me. No more dinner while staring at the TV every night for us. The dining room table is no longer to be cluttered with mail and stuff and collecting things. Our dining room table is now for gathering people and having connection everyday, not just for entertaining. It’s the added blessing of rearranging and redecorating this space. It’s becoming more of a reflection of him + me and making us more of a reflection of that too.

Happy Stuff

Oh my gosh.
Firstly, I just need you to know that not every Avon catalog has lots of great stuff in it. There’s always some awesome deals and good things, but sometimes there’s just lots!
It’s campaigns like this that make me happy to be an Avon rep!
Here’s a few of my favorite things in C6…

New Spring Nailwear Pro+! The new colors are so pretty and fun, Painted Peony is on the top of my list. I’m also happy they have the Nail Dotting Tool. When I’m in a creative nail mood I use mine to make dots, flowers and swirls. I always get complimented on my nails when I have fun with the design.

I own this 8 shade eye shadow palette in the neutral tones and I use it almost everyday. I’m going to order it in the water colors palette as well because when I’m not wearing the neutrals these are the colors I use. I love that these shadows have a slight shimmer to them and add a little highlight to my eyes no matter what color I’m wearing.

I should also mention that my favorite mascaras  -Super Drama & SuperShock Max- is on sale 2 for $8.99 right now. That saves you $10 since the regular price is $9.50. Please don’t pay full price for mascara! It goes on sale a lot, usually at $5.99 or so, so this is an extra good deal.

One last thing about eyes: Glimmersticks are half price right now too! ($3.49 instead of $7) Hello go-to eye liners! Awesome.

OK, I covered the beauty stuff I’m crazy about now let me tell what’s at the top of my want list in the fashion section. These shoes, the two-tone comfort flats, are so dang cute. Blue and aqua awesomeness. There’s also a white pintuck eyelet top in the Going, going, gone section I can’t stop thinking about. It’s perfect for Spring.

The last thing I’ll tell you about is a just because I’m an organizing goofball. And maybe those of you with kids need something just like this to make your life a little easier. There’s both a boy and a girl version of this days of the week clothing organizer. It hangs right in the closet so kids (or mom) can plan their clothes ahead of time. I think my husband would be happy if I did this when many days I stand in front of my very full closet and proclaim I either “have nothing to wear” or “don’t know what I want to wear”. Asking him what he’s wearing doesn’t always help me decide. Oh, for the ease of being a guy! Jeans, T-shirt shirt, sneakers, done.

So, yeah I just scratched the surface of all the happy happy in the new Avon brochure and there’s always lots more online than they can ever fit in it.  When I’m this excited about good deals I just have to share them!

You can email me anytime at expectfaith@yahoo.com and I’ll be more than happy happy to become your Avon rep.

Happy Valentine’s Day, friends!
Be extraordinary, you deserve the very best!

Just like Grandma’s

Or at least very close!

These were originally intended to be a Christmas gift for my brother, but in my procrastination they sort of ended up as a Valentine’s gift instead. Good thing he didn’t seem to mind.

I don’t have the original pattern my grandmother used when we were kids. I was pretty young, but I think she sent slippers for Christmas. I don’t remember them as specifically as my brother does, but I remember they had this basic shape.

The slipper pattern from Knitting Pretty was really easy to follow. It called for a bulky yarn so I used the thinner yarn I’d picked out held double. It resulted in a super squishy heavier slipper which might be just right for cold snowy nights. After all, Grandma’s slippers were meant for Florida winters not Colorado ones.

I knit these up in just a couple of days, over the weekend really. And I’ve got at least one more pair planned; can’t let my guy’s toes get cold! Maybe with a little digging I’ll be able to find that original pattern my grandma used and carry on her proud tradition. That is, of course, depending on if she used a pattern. After knitting so many pairs -hundreds, maybe?- perhaps she didn’t use a particular pattern. How she always got the size just right from so far away I’ve no idea. I guess that’s just one of those great things about grandmas.

::: Right Now:::

Right now it’s 10:58am, and I’ve been up since 4am.

Right now I’m drinking lots of hot tea because my throat hurts and is rough and tight.

Right now I’m so happy this is on my counter and I get to eat/wear the happiness. (I’ll eat my orange over the sink so I don’t end up wearing it too.)

Right now I desperately need to vacuum, and maybe make something for lunch.

Right now there is chirping, snoring, and intermittent dream barking coming from my kids. (Pets for those of you who don’t know me personally.)

Right now my head is full of knitting and gifting. Lots and lots. I’m loving my new ‘Knitting Pattern Database’ app.

Right now I’m dorkishly happy about making gift bags for my Avon customers without a pattern. (I just added dorkishly to my phone’s dictionary. lol.)

Right now I’m looking forward to the end result of home work and hanging these on the wall of my new creative space.

Right now it looks like a beautiful day outside and I’m hoping your day is beautiful too.